ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
