Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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