Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
