I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
