I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
