her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
