don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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