So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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