god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
