thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
