There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
