I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
