If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize