A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
