This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
