your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
