Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
