apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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