Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
