Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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