I need to stop coming to work sober
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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