You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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