i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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