if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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