not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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