Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
