So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
