I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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