I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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