dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My balls are so social today.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
