I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
