Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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