The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
