Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
we should paint friendship bongs
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