just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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