Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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