My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
