I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I could fuck to npr.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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