1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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