apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
