airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
