if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
where are my eyebrows?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
