so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
