All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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