Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
