Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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