remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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