He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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