i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
