It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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