So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
