theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i think my cat just said my name.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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