I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
